College Orientation

Orientation.

Harmony swarms my mind as I realign myself.

The clouds of self-doubt, anger, leave me.

The purpose returns. I find meaning.

Was it I who did this?

Is this a dream?

Can I achieve Clarity?

Can I always push out the ravenous thoughts that ravage my mind and makes it go blury.

Yes.

I have done it before many a time, though when it returns I forget.

How did I do it?

How did I escape my mind prison?

In many ways, though it changes often.

Overcoming an obstacle seldom is done in only one way.

Sometimes it is through another person,

At times it is through an accomplishment,

At times it is when I do something unexpected like moving all of the couches in the living room.

Or suddenly change some habit, like going to bed early or late, or eating something different.

Or Eliminating destructive behaviors.

I have done something today and I want to remember it.

Fear

Fear

Every day I am confronted with things that make me fear. Talking to people, buying things, confronting teachers, girls. The fear clouds my mind and makes me doubt. I wonder if I am the same person I was 2 months ago, or even the same as 5 minutes ago. This thought makes me sad. I remember being so happy. I remember having difficulty at that time also. I remember setting goals and making plans to change those problems. But every time I sit down to write them now, I get distracted. When I do make a goal or a plan I forget about it. I remember being disciplined with Facebook, with the Phone, with my time. Now every time I get on the computer or the phone I immediately go to Facebook, or a game. I remember positively speaking with my companions, the people in my District, the people in the zone. Telling them how much I love them, how much I care about them. Now I talk only with myself without friends. I remember how easily it was to make a friend and show my personality. Now I feel that I cannot do anything out of the ordinary lest people notice.

I know. I know that these doubts are just my anxiety. I know that I can set goals and change this behavior. I know that I am still Donovan Welch. I know that this situation is not permanent. I know how to overcome. The core of my mission was Love in Jesus Christ. I did everything out of love. I did things I feared out of love. I love Christ still, but what more do I love? What do I care about? When I come to this question in my mind, it becomes clouded, it changes the subject, it sweeps it away. I love Singing. I cannot say that I love those around me. I love accomplishing things. I came straight to the University because I believed that it would help me love the people around me. I love swimming, though I feel lonely as I swim alone. I love flying kites though again I miss someone to talk to… Perhaps what I fear is being alone.

I suppose that what my actions have shown in the past week or 2 or 3 is that I love technology more than God, more than Family, more than Singing. Perhaps not technology itself but rather its idle thrills, its information. I must change my actions. If I love something more than singing, then why sing? Why practice when I can do something more… How then do I change my desire?

I search through the scriptures and I hear the whisper “pray”