Thinking out of the depression bubble

 Things I am good at:

Singing

Thinking logically

Reading

Listening to other people

Talking to people in a way where we are able to have a good discussion instead of arguing aka talking with Grandma Welch

Confidence sometimes

Swimming

Finding motivation

Taking Lead and making sure everyone is included, also being the person who can focus at any time

Helping my Grandma 

Deep questions

Having interesting music

Beat Saber

A lot of video games

Nut Meg

Finding useful applications of technology

Creative

Lateral thinking

Spanish

Learning languages

Dead-pan comedy

Singing

Putting myself in other peoples shoes before judging.

Putting people before numbers

Caring too much

Swords game

Driving

Eating healthy

Practice music skills

Traveling

Not worrying too much about the details

Keeping a secret

Giving good gifts

Not using phone during conversations

Binge watching/reading

Holding by breath

Good calves

Whales

Good sport

Good at sports

Learning how to ice skate every time I go to the ice skating rink

Caring for people who nobody else wants to care for. 

Air cannon

Puns

Family

Cooking

Drawing

Naturally strong

Settlers of Catan

Chess

Minesweeper

Not racist

I call people out on being racist

Piano

Cliff jumping

My OWN Misery

 If my misery is my own fault, who am I to blame?

Is it ok to blame myself? 

The misery only deepens if I do so....

Do I blame God?

While he is to blame, he also erases that blame with Jesus...

Churches say to give up your misery to Jesus.

But what if I want to be miserable?

What if that is the only feeling that keeps me from deeper feelings?

Should I blame my first grade teacher for ignoring me?

She made me fear asking for help.

Now when I feel rage, or when I feel like a deep empty well, it just echoes onto myself.

When I try to talk about it with someone, deep, deep misery clouds my mind.

I feel like my panic attacks have gone away at the cost of my emotion.

If I let emotion in  it destroys me.

If I love someone and let it show, all I see is the moment that that love is ended.

Misery.

If I get excited about something, all I can see is the moment that it will end.

This is depressing.

I feel fake.

Empty.

When I turn to God, I just feel self hate.

I hate myself.

I hate myself for hating myself.

Should I really unload that on somebody?

Should I talk to someone about it?

I have a lot of friends.

I have family who loves me.

I have teachers who would do anything for me.

I don't know.

Thanks for listening void of the thing I did in Highschool.

unrequited love.

Power to be positive and have great self respect. 

I broke up with someone today. 

We never even went on a date as a couple. 

I proclaimed my feelings for her and she said that she wanted to date me and see what happens

We did one thing after that, watching psych, but she did homework the whole time. I felt disappointed. 

I texted a few times and she responded sparingly. I sensed it was going nowhere. She finally after only one week said she was seeing someone else, and they were farther along. That I was but a friend. 

The pain I expected to feel that I have felt so many times did not come. 

Perhaps it was because of sleep deprivation or perhaps it was because of God,

Perhaps it was the training I recieved on the mission to combat rejection. Perhaps it was all of it at once.

I only felt a tinge of sadness, and I didn't lose my mind. 

I felt analytical of what was to be done next. 

I felt that the trait I liked the most in this girl is her power to communicate. I want to keep that trait, and look for more. 

I felt I had patience, a bit too much. 

I feel

I feel emptiness.

I feel frustrated.

I feel like every step I take forward is diminished

I feel like my head is going to explode even when I don't have a headache

I feel like my vision gets blurred whenever I think of something that would be hard to do.

At the same time I feel calm when faced with an challenging, confident that I will be able to hurtle it.

I feel like I am avoiding something. Avoiding everything

I feel like whenever I speak I have a weird accent. And everything comes out wrong.

I feel like I have solid goals and plans, yet I don't have the devotion to them to see them through.

I feel tense.

I know that all of these negative feelings are only temporary. 

I know that  I have control over my emotions.

I know that it is because I literally did nothing today that I am feeling this. 

I know that when I do something. Anything. I will feel better.

I know that these benefits are helping me become a better person when I choose to do something with it.

Emptiness doesn't scare me.

I know how to talk to people with accent or no accent.

I know that I can adapt.

I don't yet know the limits to my knowledge, my strength, my mental health.

I am not afraid.

I am not afraid of spiders.

I am not afraid of heights.

I am not afraid to be alone.

I am afraid of having these feelings all the time.

College Orientation

Orientation.

Harmony swarms my mind as I realign myself.

The clouds of self-doubt, anger, leave me.

The purpose returns. I find meaning.

Was it I who did this?

Is this a dream?

Can I achieve Clarity?

Can I always push out the ravenous thoughts that ravage my mind and makes it go blury.

Yes.

I have done it before many a time, though when it returns I forget.

How did I do it?

How did I escape my mind prison?

In many ways, though it changes often.

Overcoming an obstacle seldom is done in only one way.

Sometimes it is through another person,

At times it is through an accomplishment,

At times it is when I do something unexpected like moving all of the couches in the living room.

Or suddenly change some habit, like going to bed early or late, or eating something different.

Or Eliminating destructive behaviors.

I have done something today and I want to remember it.

Fear

Fear

Every day I am confronted with things that make me fear. Talking to people, buying things, confronting teachers, girls. The fear clouds my mind and makes me doubt. I wonder if I am the same person I was 2 months ago, or even the same as 5 minutes ago. This thought makes me sad. I remember being so happy. I remember having difficulty at that time also. I remember setting goals and making plans to change those problems. But every time I sit down to write them now, I get distracted. When I do make a goal or a plan I forget about it. I remember being disciplined with Facebook, with the Phone, with my time. Now every time I get on the computer or the phone I immediately go to Facebook, or a game. I remember positively speaking with my companions, the people in my District, the people in the zone. Telling them how much I love them, how much I care about them. Now I talk only with myself without friends. I remember how easily it was to make a friend and show my personality. Now I feel that I cannot do anything out of the ordinary lest people notice.

I know. I know that these doubts are just my anxiety. I know that I can set goals and change this behavior. I know that I am still Donovan Welch. I know that this situation is not permanent. I know how to overcome. The core of my mission was Love in Jesus Christ. I did everything out of love. I did things I feared out of love. I love Christ still, but what more do I love? What do I care about? When I come to this question in my mind, it becomes clouded, it changes the subject, it sweeps it away. I love Singing. I cannot say that I love those around me. I love accomplishing things. I came straight to the University because I believed that it would help me love the people around me. I love swimming, though I feel lonely as I swim alone. I love flying kites though again I miss someone to talk to… Perhaps what I fear is being alone.

I suppose that what my actions have shown in the past week or 2 or 3 is that I love technology more than God, more than Family, more than Singing. Perhaps not technology itself but rather its idle thrills, its information. I must change my actions. If I love something more than singing, then why sing? Why practice when I can do something more… How then do I change my desire?

I search through the scriptures and I hear the whisper “pray”

real talk