Fear

Fear

Every day I am confronted with things that make me fear. Talking to people, buying things, confronting teachers, girls. The fear clouds my mind and makes me doubt. I wonder if I am the same person I was 2 months ago, or even the same as 5 minutes ago. This thought makes me sad. I remember being so happy. I remember having difficulty at that time also. I remember setting goals and making plans to change those problems. But every time I sit down to write them now, I get distracted. When I do make a goal or a plan I forget about it. I remember being disciplined with Facebook, with the Phone, with my time. Now every time I get on the computer or the phone I immediately go to Facebook, or a game. I remember positively speaking with my companions, the people in my District, the people in the zone. Telling them how much I love them, how much I care about them. Now I talk only with myself without friends. I remember how easily it was to make a friend and show my personality. Now I feel that I cannot do anything out of the ordinary lest people notice.

I know. I know that these doubts are just my anxiety. I know that I can set goals and change this behavior. I know that I am still Donovan Welch. I know that this situation is not permanent. I know how to overcome. The core of my mission was Love in Jesus Christ. I did everything out of love. I did things I feared out of love. I love Christ still, but what more do I love? What do I care about? When I come to this question in my mind, it becomes clouded, it changes the subject, it sweeps it away. I love Singing. I cannot say that I love those around me. I love accomplishing things. I came straight to the University because I believed that it would help me love the people around me. I love swimming, though I feel lonely as I swim alone. I love flying kites though again I miss someone to talk to… Perhaps what I fear is being alone.

I suppose that what my actions have shown in the past week or 2 or 3 is that I love technology more than God, more than Family, more than Singing. Perhaps not technology itself but rather its idle thrills, its information. I must change my actions. If I love something more than singing, then why sing? Why practice when I can do something more… How then do I change my desire?

I search through the scriptures and I hear the whisper “pray”