If my misery is my own fault, who am I to blame?
Is it ok to blame myself?
The misery only deepens if I do so....
Do I blame God?
While he is to blame, he also erases that blame with Jesus...
Churches say to give up your misery to Jesus.
But what if I want to be miserable?
What if that is the only feeling that keeps me from deeper feelings?
Should I blame my first grade teacher for ignoring me?
She made me fear asking for help.
Now when I feel rage, or when I feel like a deep empty well, it just echoes onto myself.
When I try to talk about it with someone, deep, deep misery clouds my mind.
I feel like my panic attacks have gone away at the cost of my emotion.
If I let emotion in it destroys me.
If I love someone and let it show, all I see is the moment that that love is ended.
Misery.
If I get excited about something, all I can see is the moment that it will end.
This is depressing.
I feel fake.
Empty.
When I turn to God, I just feel self hate.
I hate myself.
I hate myself for hating myself.
Should I really unload that on somebody?
Should I talk to someone about it?
I have a lot of friends.
I have family who loves me.
I have teachers who would do anything for me.
I don't know.
Thanks for listening void of the thing I did in Highschool.
