Thinking out of the depression bubble

 Things I am good at:

Singing

Thinking logically

Reading

Listening to other people

Talking to people in a way where we are able to have a good discussion instead of arguing aka talking with Grandma Welch

Confidence sometimes

Swimming

Finding motivation

Taking Lead and making sure everyone is included, also being the person who can focus at any time

Helping my Grandma 

Deep questions

Having interesting music

Beat Saber

A lot of video games

Nut Meg

Finding useful applications of technology

Creative

Lateral thinking

Spanish

Learning languages

Dead-pan comedy

Singing

Putting myself in other peoples shoes before judging.

Putting people before numbers

Caring too much

Swords game

Driving

Eating healthy

Practice music skills

Traveling

Not worrying too much about the details

Keeping a secret

Giving good gifts

Not using phone during conversations

Binge watching/reading

Holding by breath

Good calves

Whales

Good sport

Good at sports

Learning how to ice skate every time I go to the ice skating rink

Caring for people who nobody else wants to care for. 

Air cannon

Puns

Family

Cooking

Drawing

Naturally strong

Settlers of Catan

Chess

Minesweeper

Not racist

I call people out on being racist

Piano

Cliff jumping

My OWN Misery

 If my misery is my own fault, who am I to blame?

Is it ok to blame myself? 

The misery only deepens if I do so....

Do I blame God?

While he is to blame, he also erases that blame with Jesus...

Churches say to give up your misery to Jesus.

But what if I want to be miserable?

What if that is the only feeling that keeps me from deeper feelings?

Should I blame my first grade teacher for ignoring me?

She made me fear asking for help.

Now when I feel rage, or when I feel like a deep empty well, it just echoes onto myself.

When I try to talk about it with someone, deep, deep misery clouds my mind.

I feel like my panic attacks have gone away at the cost of my emotion.

If I let emotion in  it destroys me.

If I love someone and let it show, all I see is the moment that that love is ended.

Misery.

If I get excited about something, all I can see is the moment that it will end.

This is depressing.

I feel fake.

Empty.

When I turn to God, I just feel self hate.

I hate myself.

I hate myself for hating myself.

Should I really unload that on somebody?

Should I talk to someone about it?

I have a lot of friends.

I have family who loves me.

I have teachers who would do anything for me.

I don't know.

Thanks for listening void of the thing I did in Highschool.

unrequited love.

Power to be positive and have great self respect. 

I broke up with someone today. 

We never even went on a date as a couple. 

I proclaimed my feelings for her and she said that she wanted to date me and see what happens

We did one thing after that, watching psych, but she did homework the whole time. I felt disappointed. 

I texted a few times and she responded sparingly. I sensed it was going nowhere. She finally after only one week said she was seeing someone else, and they were farther along. That I was but a friend. 

The pain I expected to feel that I have felt so many times did not come. 

Perhaps it was because of sleep deprivation or perhaps it was because of God,

Perhaps it was the training I recieved on the mission to combat rejection. Perhaps it was all of it at once.

I only felt a tinge of sadness, and I didn't lose my mind. 

I felt analytical of what was to be done next. 

I felt that the trait I liked the most in this girl is her power to communicate. I want to keep that trait, and look for more. 

I felt I had patience, a bit too much. 

I feel

I feel emptiness.

I feel frustrated.

I feel like every step I take forward is diminished

I feel like my head is going to explode even when I don't have a headache

I feel like my vision gets blurred whenever I think of something that would be hard to do.

At the same time I feel calm when faced with an challenging, confident that I will be able to hurtle it.

I feel like I am avoiding something. Avoiding everything

I feel like whenever I speak I have a weird accent. And everything comes out wrong.

I feel like I have solid goals and plans, yet I don't have the devotion to them to see them through.

I feel tense.

I know that all of these negative feelings are only temporary. 

I know that  I have control over my emotions.

I know that it is because I literally did nothing today that I am feeling this. 

I know that when I do something. Anything. I will feel better.

I know that these benefits are helping me become a better person when I choose to do something with it.

Emptiness doesn't scare me.

I know how to talk to people with accent or no accent.

I know that I can adapt.

I don't yet know the limits to my knowledge, my strength, my mental health.

I am not afraid.

I am not afraid of spiders.

I am not afraid of heights.

I am not afraid to be alone.

I am afraid of having these feelings all the time.

College Orientation

Orientation.

Harmony swarms my mind as I realign myself.

The clouds of self-doubt, anger, leave me.

The purpose returns. I find meaning.

Was it I who did this?

Is this a dream?

Can I achieve Clarity?

Can I always push out the ravenous thoughts that ravage my mind and makes it go blury.

Yes.

I have done it before many a time, though when it returns I forget.

How did I do it?

How did I escape my mind prison?

In many ways, though it changes often.

Overcoming an obstacle seldom is done in only one way.

Sometimes it is through another person,

At times it is through an accomplishment,

At times it is when I do something unexpected like moving all of the couches in the living room.

Or suddenly change some habit, like going to bed early or late, or eating something different.

Or Eliminating destructive behaviors.

I have done something today and I want to remember it.

Fear

Fear

Every day I am confronted with things that make me fear. Talking to people, buying things, confronting teachers, girls. The fear clouds my mind and makes me doubt. I wonder if I am the same person I was 2 months ago, or even the same as 5 minutes ago. This thought makes me sad. I remember being so happy. I remember having difficulty at that time also. I remember setting goals and making plans to change those problems. But every time I sit down to write them now, I get distracted. When I do make a goal or a plan I forget about it. I remember being disciplined with Facebook, with the Phone, with my time. Now every time I get on the computer or the phone I immediately go to Facebook, or a game. I remember positively speaking with my companions, the people in my District, the people in the zone. Telling them how much I love them, how much I care about them. Now I talk only with myself without friends. I remember how easily it was to make a friend and show my personality. Now I feel that I cannot do anything out of the ordinary lest people notice.

I know. I know that these doubts are just my anxiety. I know that I can set goals and change this behavior. I know that I am still Donovan Welch. I know that this situation is not permanent. I know how to overcome. The core of my mission was Love in Jesus Christ. I did everything out of love. I did things I feared out of love. I love Christ still, but what more do I love? What do I care about? When I come to this question in my mind, it becomes clouded, it changes the subject, it sweeps it away. I love Singing. I cannot say that I love those around me. I love accomplishing things. I came straight to the University because I believed that it would help me love the people around me. I love swimming, though I feel lonely as I swim alone. I love flying kites though again I miss someone to talk to… Perhaps what I fear is being alone.

I suppose that what my actions have shown in the past week or 2 or 3 is that I love technology more than God, more than Family, more than Singing. Perhaps not technology itself but rather its idle thrills, its information. I must change my actions. If I love something more than singing, then why sing? Why practice when I can do something more… How then do I change my desire?

I search through the scriptures and I hear the whisper “pray”

real talk

Zoe a letter to you.

A letter to you 

Dear you 
Remember who you are. 
Remember to be real. 
Remember to love and you will be loved in return.
Remember that blue eyes and dimples are overrated and your hazel ones will do just fine. 
Remember that your short legs work just as well as the long ones you've always wanted. 
And remember that your ACT score does not define you.
Remember that there are better days ahead.
Remember that your first heartbreak wont be the last.
And that's okay.
It just means that there's more people who you get to love.
Remember that you live in a world where hating yourself is normal.
But please remember that its acceptable to love yourself too.

The Cure

To my sadness, Plays make me laugh

To my Anger, music soothes me

To my Happiness, perspective gives me empathy

To my disgust, provoked thought gives me insight

To my depression, Music makes me feel.

The arts are the Cure.

Donovan is my True Penname.

Our real names hide us more than our pen names.
Some of you know me as that undercover guy that works for the government and tries to buy cigarettes.
Some of you may know me as the silent kid. The Guy that sings loud in seminary when everybody else is barely audible.
Some know me only by the picture.
The person who tried to look at you in the hallway, but you didn't look back, and I laughed.
I find hallway politics amusing.
Perhaps you know my favorite colour, but I lied, I change the colour every time someone asks. It really is a strange question.
I am Donovan Welch

you probably only know my name. Perhaps my Face.

and probably think that sums up my entire existence.

I find that amusing also.

Let me help you know me.
1. My face is a mask.
2. My reputation is a mask.
3. I don't care for popularity. I find it amusing.
4. My mask is sometimes a mask to mask my mask.
5. I usually don't talk to people unless they come to me.
6. I don't judge people, I let people prove themselves to me.
7. My Mask only comes off if yours comes off. 
8. I can be very good at hiding my introvertedness.
9. Reading scares me, too many times I feel like I'm in the book I'm reading.
10. I myself have forgotten what under my mask looks like.
11. I can't stop myself from singing loud in seminary, I'm already as quiet as I can without going crazy.

What True Music Sounds Like

What to listen to when you want to woo someone.
What to listen to when life is too serious
what to listen to when life is complicated
Music for when life makes sense
What to listen to when you feel the urge to flirt.
Music for the insanity
Music for figuring out life
What to listen to when you're abandoned
What to listen to when life is to loud.

Where are you heart?

 Football game? Did I lose you there?

 When I close my eyes I see light and darkness at the same time.

 Did I lose you when I started to drive?

 When I close my eyes, It is both an endless expanse of lightdark, and the smallest pinpoint of darklight

I lost so much. Only a memory of what I had.

 Did I lose you when School taught me when you were an just a post card?

 I lost you at the mall?

 I lost you.

 I miss you?

                                            lost you?

heart?

 Are you there?

 Lost in Paris?

Why didn't you take me there?

I'm in paris?

It's beautiful.

Why is there a turtle?

Where are you heart?

Heart?

Paris?

When I close my eyes I see light and darkness at the same time.

I feel you even When I thrust you away.

I thrust you away?

hmm....

You cannot change the way I demand from the depths of my soul to not hurt others. 

Highschool love almost always ends with someone hurt. It's like a drug.

Stop Brain.

Heart, why must you contradict?

When I close my eyes, It is both an endless expanse of lightdark, and the smallest pinpoint of darklight

Is this my heart?

I lost you.

I miss you.

I have you.

heart?

The straight and Narrow sidewalk

"Nobody walks on sidewalks." -People whom don't walk on sidewalks

"Everybody walks on sidewalks"- People whom walk on sidewalks

"People who walk on sidewalks should branch out more."-People whom don't walk on sidewalks

"People who trample on the flowers should be punished!" - People whom walk on sidewalks

"People who walk on the sidewalks wish to end us." -People who now hate sidewalks.

"I fear hurting my mother's back by stepping on a crack" -People whose superstitions and sometimes religion are directed toward cracks on sidewalks. 


"Ummm This doesn't matter" -people who think they're sane

"There are two different kinds of people in this world, those who walk on the sidewalk, and those who don't" -Sidewalkites and antisidewalkites

"No... I do both...." -people who begin to doubt they're sane

"Then you must be evil" -Sidewalkites and antisidewalkites

"YOU SHALL NOT STEP ON A SIDE WALK" - antisidewalkites extremists and the church of mothers back.

"THE PANSIES HAVE BEEN SET AFLAME"
-Sidewalkites.

Why would anyone do this? -people who don't care a bit.

a hitchhikers guide to conquring humans

1. The only Rules humans follow are the ones they follow because of fear.
2. They fear being wrong, so they will avoid being wrong at all costs, they always see their way as being right because of it, even if it bends their reality.
3.They fear trust; they make rules instead of trusting people, like curfews and speed limits.
4. Humans generally think that everyone else is a minor character in their own book, which sort of is true, the only perspective we have is our own. 
5. Humans generally fear what they don't know.
6. Humans fear being alone, yet they want to stand out.
7. Humans pretend not to be afraid, they distract themselves..

my greatest fear.

I fear the opposing voices within my head.
DON"T WRITE THAT!
...but I want to...
NO! THEY"LL KNOW ABOUT THESE PAINFUL MOMENTS.
..please... Who will? what do you want? why? what would they do with it?
DELETE THAT! DELETE THIS WHOLE THING!
no. I Can do it.
STOP SHOUTING IN MY HEAD!
Who are you! Are you me? What else can you be?
NO! YES? MAYBE... I... don't know.
IF YOU AREN'T ME THEN GET OUT.
but... I don't know!
STOP!
I.. can't feel you. Is it because it's actually me? I read too many books?
READING THIS HURTS! mmm.
DELETE IT! DON'T LET THEM KNOW!
NO! YES! GAh! frozen.
Relax My friend. They shan't know who you are.
THEY WILL!
You don't even know if these conversations are real.
Perhaps.
Fish.
What? fish?
yep Fish.
I don't like fish.
Then why did you think of it?
Probably to stop thinking about it.
it?
I... forget.
hmmm.. That rhymed.
very amusing.
What are you trying to hide? I feel you hiding something.
Great! Now I accept there's more than one person!
Did I?
NO! THERE's NOT!
STOP SHOUTING!
NO!
GET OUT!
ok...
NO! NOT YOU!
Then WHO!
THIS is a panic attack.
relax my friend. No need to keep
BUT..
relax.

NO!
relax.
no.
stop.

This. Is what a panic attack is for me. It hurts to speak of it. Or write of it. Or read it. Or share it. It is my greatest fear. It rages beneath the surface, sometimes deep, sometimes shallow. I hide it well, you would never guess who I am. I.... fear the voices. Should I accept them? 

Alive

Comics are simple ways to see life. I have gone through every single Cul de sac comic, and picked ones that I thought related to my life or made me laugh. Just read a few, 

Nobody likes soccer, except for the blissfully ignorant.

School is not what it seems.

Some people are weirder than you. They're probably imaginary.

Not every idea is practical. Every puddle has a rainbow. And that guy has a mustachio. 

Sometimes, you need to let people be dramatic.

Don't let others tell you to put down a book you enjoy only because they didn't like it.

What happened to your toys? eh?

People see things differently

The loser will usually stagger into the wrong house and vomit.

Nothing can be perfect, and this is why no one uses lockers.

"I'm beside myself"

We follow others blindly, like puppets.

We are taught things we don't understand.
And sometimes they are just to cover something up that is wrong.

While taking a test your mind works in strange ways.

You must experience new things. Or you will never know if the ocean is like your sink.

We must give up old things for better things... And Parents are dangerous lunatics.

Sometimes people ask you to do something, and you get no reward.

Ignorance is bliss when Life gives lemons.

People pretend to understand technology.

You follow your dreams despite what people say.

You never know what life can give you.

Some people don't care about your dreams

But they can be beautiful.

Parents live to trick you.

Everyone has a different soul.

There's a bright side to even the darkest of situations.

"Is there anything wrong with that?"

Don't mess with grocery people

Parents live to lie to you.

Grand stealing thing.

Life can be complicated

People will not always be awed by your accomplishments.

Nature is beautiful.

Girls always go for the puppies.

You can stop listening, but you must eventually  come to the consequences.

Sometimes the most important things in life are what don't matter.

Adults lie. And Children can see it.

Minds can be blown.

Sometimes the "best" answer is wrong.

Sometimes, Mocking something is only validating it. And you Mock yourself.

Not everyone understands you.

Sometimes, you've just gotta do it yourself.

You need the correct tools. To thrive.

Parents either lie, or are just crazy.

Sometimes you must deflate others egos.

Children overreact to teachers.

Children are incredible.

Sometimes We look and only see the great things, but sometimes you need to look back and see who is propelling you. Usually, your parents.

You don't know what others are going thru.

What you wish for isn't always what you get.

Ice and snow should be crimes, but elementary school performances even more so.

The moment you take off your protection is the moment you will be hit with life's most interesting things.

Children are awesome. This should work.

Mistakes are life's greatest gifts.

Roll with it.

Sponges house germs.

Make room for other artists, lest you fumigate your house.

"The true artist pursues his or her art in the bitterest solitude, compelled only by the irresistible tidal pull of the creative impulse."

Just because you feel or act cool doesn't mean you're actually cool.

Teachers, I am sure, wonder about us.

Dreams can be crushed, but hold on to them.

Pessimism is a virus.

You can't tie down a banjo man.

Parents are good at what they do.

Sometimes, you just need to look at the picture.

Beards are dangerous.

Reading is dangerous.

Music is powerful.

Parents....

Sometimes, when you show love for someone they throw it in your face and tell you it's trash, but don't fear, one is a gum wrapper.

Every good drawing fight should end with the paper destroyed.

 Some Teacher's hair is an universal constant.

Tree's are dangerous.

People don't see the same way as you.